


But This Isn't Everything You Are

by missgoalie75



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-02
Updated: 2012-08-02
Packaged: 2017-11-11 05:56:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/475260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missgoalie75/pseuds/missgoalie75
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon's heard the term 'bastard' a few times around the castle, but he never thought they were talking about him. (He'll soon come to despise that word.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	But This Isn't Everything You Are

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Title is from "This Isn't Everything You Are" by Snow Patrol.

Jon is about four years old when he realizes that he's treated differently from Robb and Sansa. He doesn't quite understand how – mostly the servants don't treat him as politely as they do to Robb, and their father always seems to be rather sad whenever Jon catches him staring – but it's Lady Catelyn Stark's cold glares that has him wondering what separates him from his siblings.

Sure, he doesn't have auburn hair or blue eyes like Lady Stark, baby Sansa, or Robb, but he thinks he looks like Lord Stark with his dark hair and grey eyes. Lady Stark loves Lord Stark, so shouldn't she love Jon too?

His first thought is to ask Robb, but he doesn't want to be teased in case he's making it up, and he also thinks of asking Maester Luwin, but he's always busy and Jon doesn't want to bother him.

He then decides to keep it to himself, at least until one day when Robb and Jon are learning their basic alphabet and Robb drags Jon along to show off his work to Lady Stark.

It's the first and last time Jon calls Lady Stark 'Mother' – it was a slip of the tongue and he didn't quite realize how odd it is that he's never done it until that moment. She takes a threatening step towards him, as if she's about to slap him, but she stops herself short and says with barely contained fury, "Don't you _dare_ call me ' _Mother_ ' again. It's _Lady Stark_ to you, Snow."

It's also the first time anyone has called him by that name.

Jon sits in his room during supper claiming to be ill, feeling like he was slapped anyway, hot tears blurring his vision until Lord Stark enters his room, a resigned expression on his face. He explains to Jon as best he can that his mother is not Lady Stark, that his mother died when he was born and he's a bastard.

Jon's heard the term _bastard_ a few times around the castle, but he never thought they were talking about _him_.

(He'll soon come to _despise_ that word.)

***

Jon Snow.

Lord Stark calls him 'Jon' with a sad expression on his face. Lady Stark calls him 'Snow' with barely concealed contempt. Maester Luwin calls him 'Young Jon,' but he calls Robb 'Young Robb' also, so it's not very affectionate or special. Robb calls him 'Snow' when playfully competing with swords or racing in the corridors, but calls him 'Jon' every other time.

Everyone else calls him 'Jon Snow,' a constant reminder of his improper stance and how not a Stark he really is.

Jon Snow, not Jon Stark.

(No matter how much he wishes he were.)

***

On a really hot day, Maester Luwin tells Jon that bastards are believed to be evil and deceitful, like the affairs that brought them into this world. "It's not fair, and certainly not correct," Maester Luwin tells Jon as he wraps his wrist in a bandage, sympathy and sorrow written on his aging face, "but that's how it is."

Jon has always taken that as a challenge.

***

A year later another Stark is born – a girl with dark hair and eyes – the same features as Lord Stark and Jon can hope that maybe he won't feel so alone amongst his fairer siblings.

When he sees Arya for the first time, she grips his finger so tightly and he silently promises to look after her as best he can.

***

That same year, Theon Greyjoy is brought to Winterfell, a ward of Lord Stark. Jon doesn't know the details because war is still a confusing, hazy thing that adults tend to keep their mouths shut about when around children, but Theon soon joins in on whatever Jon and Robb do.

Jon doesn't mind Theon until he starts getting comfortable. Theon finds humor in stupid things and is rather mean to those whom he disrespects, including Jon.

"So _you're_ a _bastard_ ," Theon drawls one day when Jon and Robb are practicing with their small swords.

Jon narrows his eyes at Theon. It's one thing for adults to call him that, but it's another when someone who is almost his age calls him that.

"He's my _brother_ ," Robb retorts.

(Jon will never admit this, but the way Robb takes the word 'bastard' as an insult for Jon's sake is something he appreciates beyond words.)

" _Half_ brother," Theon corrects.

"Well he's more family than you will _ever_ be!"

Then Theon attacks Robb and Jon immediately goes into the fray. It doesn't take long for them to be split up, but somehow after all that, Robb and Theon manage to bond as they're getting their cuts mended.

Theon never calls Jon a bastard again, but Jon still doesn't like him.

***

Jon doesn't really pray to the old gods. He makes wishes, he supposes, asking for information on his mother, or asking to somehow convince Lord Stark to be _honest_ with him, but nothing happens. Sometimes he feels the brush of wind on his cheek in a way he thinks a mother's caress would feel like, but.

He doesn't sense anything helpful in these woods – only intense sadness that seeps under his skin and doesn't leave.

Besides, he doesn't think any words in his vocabulary would be enough to say anything remarkable to these gods as old as the sun itself.

Still, he closes his eyes like Lord Stark is doing now and pretends.

***

"Why has your sister been following us?" Jon inquires as he and Robb are sparring with their swords.

The sister in question is watching a few yards away, her blue eyes shining with whatever magic she believes the world to have. Sometimes Jon is tempted to shake her and say that this world isn't a fairytale, but there's no doubt she'll marry a lord or a prince, so his point isn't worth fighting for.

Robb laughs. "She hasn't been following _me_."

Jon understands the insinuation in a heartbeat. " _Me_?"

"Yeah, you – you're her dark, handsome knight," Robb teases, making Jon flush.

"That's _gross_ ," Jon snaps.

"Doesn't mean it isn't true." Rob pokes Jon's stomach and laughs, continuing to do so even when Jon tries to really hit him enough to bruise.

***

It continues for about a week until she stops showing up at their practices. She's absent for two days until she's outside again, far away and playing with her dolls.

"Hey, what's this? You're not Jon's shadow anymore?" Robb calls across, resting his weight on his wooden sword.

"He's my _half_ brother," she answers, as if it explains everything.

And it does.

Robb's about to open his mouth and protest, no doubt give a speech about how Jon is just as much her brother as he is, but Jon just places a hand on Robb's shoulder. "Come on, I bet I can beat you in five moves."

"Oh, yeah _right_."

And Robb forgets about it, but Jon never does; it's strange seeing a mother's intent behind the eyes of a small girl.

***

Summer continues and they grow, Jon always an inch or two taller than Robb, who is no doubt going to have true strength, already having the stature of a lord.

Jon tries not to be jealous, but he doesn't think he succeeds, given the cold warning glares he receives from Lady Stark.

(Sometimes he thinks he's more prepared for the chill of winter than anyone else.)

***

Bran is born and he has the Tully coloring: auburn hair, blue eyes, so very much like his mother.

Jon feels Lady Stark's contempt burn the back of his neck constantly for about a month before she seems to accept that no amount of wishing would suddenly turn Bran's hair dark like Jon's or darken and shift Bran's eyes to silver-grey like Jon's. Like Lord Stark's.

(Jon would change every feature of his body just to stop the glares and the whisperings of the castle; if he hears another murmur about how the bastard looks more like a true born again, he might scream because it doesn't even matter – it doesn't help a damn bit.)

***

On his tenth birthday, he asks Lord Stark about his mother.

"I'm sorry, Jon. Maybe when you're older."

He wants to argue, claim he's ten and so close to being considered a man, but he bites his tongue hard and walks away, even though it's terrible manners. But he's smart enough to realize he can get away with it, at least little things like this, due to whatever guilt or sorrow that shadows Lord Stark's face whenever he stares at Jon for too long.

It drives Jon _mad_.

***

Lady Stark is with child again. Sansa is hoping for another sister, probably one of similar nature to her, since Arya is proving herself to be a tiny wildling. Robb and Bran hope it's a boy, obviously.

"What do you think your next sibling is going to be?" Jon asks Arya as she scratches marks into the ground with a stick with a humorous amount of concentration.

"I don't know," she mutters, not looking up. "It should be nice though."

Jon smiles at her and nods. "Nice would be good."

"Not like Sansa. She's not nice."

Jon purses his mouth and doesn't say anything.

"You know it's true," she adds, finally looking up, piercing him with her gaze, eyes identical to his own.

"She's young," he relents.

" _I'm_ younger than her and I'm nicer than she is. Admit it."

He sighs. "She could be kinder to you, but she's your sister – she loves you."

"I don't believe that."

He almost laughs at her petulance, but he knows better at this point than to laugh at her (he still has a bruise on his arm to prove it). "You could be kinder to her too, you know."

She looks down again and doesn't say another word until she challenges him to a race back to the castle.

He slows himself down enough to be equal with her, but close to the finish line, she yells, out of breath, "Stop going easy on me!"

So he finishes first.

When she catches up with him, she says, "One day I'll beat you."

He ruffles her hair. "We'll see about that."

***

Robb is his best friend, truly, but Arya is like his kindred spirit – he hurts when she hurts and she chases servants around the yard with a stick at their calves if they refer to Jon as 'the bastard.'

He holds her close in private as she cries into her chest, hating to admit that being called 'horse face' by her sister stings more than a needle prick and she stands close to him when her mother calls him 'Snow' in a tone that could freeze the south.

Is it selfish that he appreciates having someone who can maybe understand just a little?

***

Robb and Jon continue to train together and there's something dark about it – that the older they get and the colder the days and nights become and the more frequent Lord Stark's repetition of the Stark family motto is – that soon they'll own true swords and kill instead of bruise.

And Jon has an obligation to do his very best, even if it means beating Robb every now and again, despite the disapproving glares from Lady Stark; he refuses to let her scare him. He may not be a true Stark, but he has Stark blood in him – _winter is coming_ means more than just the inevitable change in seasons and it's in his blood to be prepared for anything.

***

Rickon is born and Jon isn't surprised when he first sees him – he'll no doubt be the spitting image of Lady Stark and Robb and Sansa and Bran.

That night Arya sneaks into his bed and stubborn tears stain the shared pillow as he runs a comforting hand through her dark hair.

***

Lady Stark is watching Robb and Jon spar, subdued, and Jon lowers his sword for a second, a perfect opening for Robb to get Jon on his knees.

He thought Lady Stark's enthusiastic response would make it okay, but it just makes him sick to his stomach.

(That wasn't his best, he could've continued fighting longer, how is he supposed to be viewed as a man of honor if he can't keep his own personal vows?)

***

Later he collapses to his knees in front of the godswood, bending over and gripping his hair as he _screams_ , voice echoing amongst the trees and being drowned out by the wind. When he gains back his breath, he screams again. And again. And again. Until his voice his hoarse and he can barely make a whimper.

(It's the closest he'll get to saying anything remarkable.)

When he's finished, he drops his arms and clenches his fists on dead leaves, trying to gather the strength to stand.

He feels the wind on his hot cheeks like a cooling balm and he can pretend for a moment that his tears are being wiped away.

Finally he rubs a sleeve over his face as he stands up, brushing his hands on his trousers and when he turns to go back to Winterfell, he sees his father, Lord Stark, standing a few feet away with a conflicted expression.

Jon doesn't know how long he's been there, if he heard him, but Jon just looks forward and walks past him without a word.

***

It's a strange way of coming to terms with everything, and maybe he's just fooling himself and the next time someone calls him 'Bastard' he'll swing a sword at him, but at least for tonight he doesn't blink when Lady Stark compliments Robb during supper and how he's showing himself to be a true Stark. 

***

It's a lot harder to climb a wall with Arya on his back, but he can't complain since Robb is carrying Sansa on his, and she keeps groaning and shrieking in fear.

Bran is way ahead of them, walking on the wall and considering climbing higher.

Eventually they all make it to the top without dropping anyone and they just stare ahead where the sun setting – the sky painted in oranges, yellows, purples, and colors he doesn't even know the names of.

"Oh, it's _beautiful_ ," Sansa sighs.

"It's alright," Arya mutters, but her eyes are wide and bright.

They watch in silence until the sun disappears behind the horizon.

***

Theon snorts when they climb down the wall and run back inside – the chill seeping into their bones now that the sun is gone.

"You're far from one of them, Snow," he says to Jon and there's something in his eyes – Jon doesn't know if it's the hatred for him or the jealousy that burns whenever he watches Lord Stark indulge in child's play with or the unbearable loneliness that comes with fundamentally not belonging that gets to him, but he's left behind in the cold, his breaths coming out in shaky gasps.

***

A long time ago, shortly after Bran's birth, a sickness spreads through the castle and Jon and Sansa happen to catch it at the same time and are quarantined to her room.

They spend twenty-four hours together – miserable in bed and he holds her hair back when she vomits and she keeps a comforting hand on his back when he does the same; he'll try to tell her stories, even though he keeps forgetting how half of them turn out, but she just shakes her head and finishes them for him.

The next morning when they wake up with hunger instead of nausea, she says, "I'm sorry."

He just smiles and curls a stray piece of hair behind her ear. He knows they won't truly speak again, that she'll keep her distance once they're better just like he will, but it's okay.

It really is.

***

He's been thinking about it for a while – mostly right before he falls asleep, but when Lord Stark receives a letter from Uncle Benjen, Jon can feel a purpose for him stirring.

Winter is coming, yes, there's no question there, but he won't be running away from it, nor will he accept it passively –

He's charging right at it.


End file.
